Moderator: Welcome everybody to the first republican presidential debate. Here are our candidates. We have Donald Trump, businessman and reality TV star, and Harold Gomes, former Senator from Missouri, who is a goat.
[Trump smiles and waves to the crowd. The goat nibbles at his microphone.]
Trump: Thanks, Jim. I’m happy to be here in the great state of Ohio, home of the Trump Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Trump Cleveland Children’s Hospital & Poker Room.
Moderator: Ok, let’s get started. First question to both of you, why do you think you would make the best republican candidate for president?
Trump: Look, it’s simple. I’m the most successful person in the world. I’ve had an amazing life. I’ve built a massive company, I wrote the Art of the Deal which is just about the greatest business book of all time, I’ve had tremendous success on television with the Apprentice, I went to the Wharton School of Finance, one of the hardest schools in the world to get into. People love me. Everybody knows me. I will make America great again.
Moderator: Senator Gomes, what do you consider to be the biggest problem facing the country right now and how do you plan to fix it?
Goat: Baaaah. Baaaah.
[The goat kicks the lectern. Trump nods and smirks.]
Trump: Senator, you wouldn’t even be talking about this issue if it weren’t for me. I’ve been to the border. Illegal immigrants are ruining this country. Last month, 314,000 people were murdered by illegals across America. Idiot politicians like you didn’t do anything.
Trump: Excuse me. Let me finish. We don’t even have a border anymore. We’re not a country. When I’m president, I promise to build the largest casino and resort in the world along the Mexican border. We’ll have top entertainment, I’m talking Barbara Streisand and the Rolling Stones and Jerry Seinfeld, all of whom are my personal friends, and restaurants with the best chefs in the world. It’ll be fantastic. Ten times longer than the Great Wall of China. Security guards at every door will make sure only paying customers and citizens come through.
[The goat moves in Trump’s direction and nibbles at the ground. Trump steps away from his podium and scowls at the goat.]
Moderator: Please, Gentlemen. Back to your positions… Mr. Trump, in light of the rise of ISIS, do you consider the US-led invasion of Iraq to be a mistake?
Trump: I don’t make mistakes. I built a massive company that’s worth even more than the $10 billion I’ve said it is, I wrote the Art of the Deal and a dozen other best sellers, I created the most popular reality show of all time with the Apprentice. Everybody knows who I am. Everybody loves me. Even Rosie O’Donnell would vote for me. I’ll make ISIS cry like little babies.
Goat: Baaaah. Baaaah.
Trump: Come on, Senator. That’s a lie. This country has been losing to everybody. We’re losing to China, to Russia, to Mexico. Our leaders are stupid. They’re all pawns for special interests and rich donors like me…
Trump: Losers and cowards like you are running this country into the ground.
[The goat stomps on the floor. Trump pulls up his sleeves and motions for the goat to come closer.]
Trump: I’ll make your life a living nightmare. I’ll snap off your legs and feed them to your children.
Moderator: Enough, enough. Please calm down, gentleman.
[They bait each other for a minute but then both back away to their microphones.]
Moderator: Ok… This question is for both of you. What core values do you think are most important for the future of the Republican Party?
Goat: Baaaah. Baaaah.
Trump: No, that’s incorrect. I’m pro-life. I’ve always been pro-life. Think about it. My parents could have decided to flush me down the toilet, but they didn’t. Now I own thirty-four golf courses, twenty-eight ice skating rinks, and fourteen Roy Rogers. There wouldn’t be a Miss USA pageant if not for me. Imagine the world without Donald Trump and people like me. That would be tragic. Life is sacred. Though Mr. Gomes, on the other hand, I might make an exception for you.
[Trump stares at the goat and smirks.]
Trump: Is that the best you’ve got?
Goat: Baaaah! Baaaah!
[The goat kicks over its lectern and rears at the ground. Trump loosens his tie, holds up his fists.]
Moderator: Senator Gomes! Mr. Trump!
Trump: Come here, mutton.
[The goat rushes at Trump, head down. Trump throws a punch as the goat crashes into him. They roll across the stage.]
Trump: You trash-eating dope.
Trump: You stupid hairy loser.
Trump: I’ll eat you alive.
[They bite each other’s arms. Trump spits out a chunk of fur. The goat chomps at Trump’s left ear. Trump smacks him in the jaw. The goat swats at his neck. Jabs. Chokeholds. Elbows into stomachs. The fighting continues uninterrupted for thirty minutes until both candidates collapse out of exhaustion. Blood and fur covers the stage. Trump’s hairpiece hangs off his head. They crawl towards each other, bruised and bleeding.]
Trump: Jim, I have to say the Senator is tougher than I thought.
Moderator: Ok, so that marks the end of our first debate. Stick around for analysis from the Fox News political team. And viewers at home, now it’s your chance to vote on who you think did the best.